Monday, July 13, 2015

Sucky, sucky May

I've been dreading the blog for the last 2 months, because I knew I'd have to talk about May.  I mean, I don't have to talk about anything, it's my blog for pity's sake, but I simply can't gloss over it and pretend that May didn't happen.  First, because that's not who I am, I don't gloss over life because it isn't pretty.  And second, because not saying anything makes it feel like it never happened, and I don't want to feel like it never happened (well, sometimes I do) (but not really).  Pretending like it never happened might lead people to think that it wasn't a big deal and it didn't affect me much and I've moved on.  But it was a big deal.  It did affect me, a lot.  And I'm not sure exactly how to "move on."

So.  May.  The first half of May I was pregnant.  The second half, I was not.  Clark blogged a bit about my miscarriage and that horrendous week of doctors.  The week where all my hopes were dashed to pieces. 

You see, I had almost given up hope of having another baby.  There was a small sliver of a chance that we'd have another, but I felt strongly that I needed to just wait and see.  That I needed to trust God, and wait.  In my prayers, I told my Heavenly Father that I would need a big push, a HUGE push, before I'd even consider getting pregnant again.  But I also told Him that I wanted a baby so badly, that I was willing to be pregnant again.  My desire was so strong, I was sure I would confuse my desires for spiritual guidance, so I reiterated over and over again that it would have to be a HUGE push, and it would have to obviously be from Him.  So we waited.  And last fall, I felt that push.  After consulting with multiple doctors, I was given the all clear, the go ahead, permission to conceive.  It felt so incredibly right.  I prayed.  I went to the temple.  And it all felt right.  So we went forward.

Then January came, with my yearly echo.  The cardiologist maybe saw something new on the echo.  I needed a cardiac MRI.  Scheduling is a beast, so I finally got the MRI in March.  In April someone finally called me about it, to say maybe I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant.  But too late!  I was already pregnant!  And, again, it felt right.  I was scared what this could mean for my health, but it felt right.  So I thought of it more as a huge blessing that I got pregnant in that window when no one was worried about my health, and now God would see me through this.  I had faith (heaps of faith) that I would be fine, I would have my 3rd baby, and we would all look back at this as a faith promoting experience.  We could knowingly look at each other and point to our faith when the doctors were impressed with how well I did. 

But no.  In May, I had an ultrasound.  And there was no heartbeat.  I had asked Clark to come with me, just in case something like this happened.  But for some reason I can't understand, they didn't allow him to come back into the ultrasound room with me.  Something about needing to get measurements first, and then he could come back.  So I was left sitting there, alone, on the table, not sure what was going on, wishing my husband could just come back and hold my hand.  It was awful. 

They said maybe it was just too early, maybe the dates were wrong, so we need to do some blood work.  After waiting in agony for 2 days, the blood work came back with bad news.  I was miscarrying. 

I appreciated that the doctor was trying to be consoling, but I wanted to punch her face out when she said, "Do you believe in a higher power?  Maybe this is all for the best."  I wanted to yell, "YOU DON'T GET IT!"  I most definitely believe in a higher power.  I am a woman of faith, who follows promptings.  This pregnancy was my prompting!  I had been inspired.  I can't believe that I misread the Spirit.  I was absolutely sure this was the path I was supposed to take.  And now....well, now what?

The day after I got that lovely news I finally (finally) met with someone about my new heart condition.  And I was advised not to have any more children.  And during that appointment, I felt completely at peace.  I was sure I would be a wreck, tears everywhere, but I was not.  It felt clear that this was my new path, I should listen to this new doctor and go forward with only 2 kids.

But don't be mistaken, this still hurts.  A lot.  I felt at peace during that one appointment, but I don't feel at peace all the time when I think about this whole ordeal.  Or even most of the time.  I feel confused, and angry, and even betrayed.  Betrayed by God.  I don't want to feel this way, but I do.  I was finally letting go of any hope, and then suddenly I had not only hope, but a baby on the way!  It all seemed too good to be true!  But oh, nevermind, go back to letting go of all hope.  Why would someone do that?  Why wouldn't He just let me quietly close the door on that part of my life?  Why did we have to ramp up and go out with a bang?

Now that it's been 2 months, I'm finally starting to feel some healing.  I have felt the deep love my Heavenly Father has for me more times than I can count.  I know that He didn't do all this to hurt me.  I know He has a plan for my life, and I don't always get to see what that is while I'm living it.  I will get through all this and I will be fine.  Happy, even.  Time truly is the healer of all wounds. 

In a way, it's nice to have some sort of finality.  We have 2 kids, and we are done.  We can finally get rid of the crib and the baby clothes and the boxes and boxes of baby stuff in our garage.  Except now I don't know what to do with my life.  I'm going to have 2 kids in school this fall.  What on earth am I going to do with my life?  Go back to work?  Go back to school?  Volunteer?  I've done this mom of small children thing for so long now, I don't know what else I would even want to do.  I'm taking all suggestions into consideration, so if you've got one, please share. 

And if you see me, be gentle?  May was rough for me.


Gretchen said...

Im so sorry, Shannon. I understand and I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug and a pillow to hit right now. ❤️

Bethany said...

This makes my heart ache. I wish I had words to console, but I don't really. Just seek the Atonement. That's my only advice.

And as for what to do with yourself when all the kids are in school? ...

Maybe start a multi-denominational Christian book club?

keri said...

Shannon, I'm sorry you are going through this. Hearing you shouldn't have any more children is the hardest thing ever to hear. Even if deep down you know, it's so hard day to day. I love you. I'm hear to listen if you ever need someone to talk to. And Shannon, don't question your 1st answer to have a baby. You didn't get the inspiration wrong. It was still for a reason. You still took a leap of faith and followed what God asked of you. I know we don't understand why. But His purpose was fulfilled because you listened. You are an amazing woman!

Shari said...

I'm with you, Shannon. Well, I haven't had the experience of miscarriage but I have recently had the experience where everything felt right and then it didn't work out the way I intended. I was going to have baby #2 via VBAC and everything was a go! I had a few blessings that reinterated my plan to deliver vaginally would happen. I went into labor on my own (something I didn't do with Glen), I got dilated to a 7 without Pitocin or an epidural! I was doing it!! Then they could find Phebe's heart rate. Internal monitor...sure! No problem! I had recently gotten the epidural and nothing hurt down there so I was good to go! Break my water to put in monitor...once again, sure! These things happened with Glen; I was not suprised. Then Niagra Falls happened...the nurses were not happy with the amount of water I lost. After words I realized that Phebe wasn't far enough down the birth canal to keep tons of water from coming out, but the nurses just kept saying, "That's a TON of water". My doctor came in and started pushing back on me...the umbilical cord had come out first instaed of Phebe and was now pinched between my body and her head so her heart rate was all over the place. The doctor tried for about 2 minutes to push Phebe out of the way so she could get the cord back where it belonged, but it didn't happen. Thus the decision for the second c-section. I cried throughout the decision making process as well through the entire operation. This is NOT what was supposed to happen. Even now, as I am writing this I am in tears. We plan for things that feel right; get our hopes up and then they are blown to pieces. Apparently I still have some healing to do and it's been 7 months. Everyone around me kept saying, :Remember, we want a healthy baby, healthy mommy." Yes, I do want those things but I was sure of the course I was supposed to take to get there! Anyway, thanky you for sharing your story. I'm sorry I just word vomitted all over your comments section! Love you tons!

Judy said...

Hugs Shannon. You experienced a loss, and it is good that you are mourning. I've had many times when I have wondered why I felt inspired to do something and it didn't work out how I expected. My marriages have both been a trial for me in different ways, but I have learned and grown and how two wonderful kids (ok four, but sometimes the other two are part of the trials!). I love you and know that God loves you too. Someday you will understand. In the meantime, take it minute by minute and enjoy Ella and Julia.

Lauren said...

Write. You should write. I love your writing. You could easily publish. That's my vote at least.

I'm so glad that I got to see you and your girls. You're the bestest!