Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Not a Good Day

Let me tell you about this morning.

This morning I woke up and packed a lunch for Clark.  I got breakfast for girls and everybody got dressed.  I took a shower while Julia and Ella watched a show.  I decided to go for a walk at the mall after dropping Julia off at school, so I packed my bag with the necessary snacks and water.  We were getting our coats on when I heard a car in the driveway.  In walked Clark.

My heart sunk.  I knew what this meant.

Today was lay-off day.  He lost his job.

Since we were heading out the door to take Julia to school, we didn't have much time to sit and talk about it (or cry, let's be honest).  We dropped Julia off and went for that walk at the mall together.  It was nice having Clark there, but I'd rather he had his job still.

We talked about things.  We have no idea what is going to happen, but it's almost certain we'll have to move.  We've been in our house for all of 3 months.  We've made 1 mortgage payment.

I know we'll be ok.  I just don't know HOW we'll be ok.  It feels like the very fabric of our lives is unraveling.  It will be put back together somewhere, but I don't know where.  Or when.  All day I've been trying to do normal things.  Make lunch.  Read to little girls.  Dishes.  But in the middle of it, I'll stop and remember the shaky ground we stand on, and it'll take my breath away.  I'll remember a small detail ("Time to sign Ella up for preschool!"), and then realize everything could change.  Probably will change.  We likely won't be here for preschool in the fall, and if we are?  We might not be able to afford it.  Julia was getting so excited for Kindergarten.  She'll still be in Kindergarten next year, but not with her friend, Jack.  We just moved.  We just moved.  And now we'll have to move again. 

The strangest part is I've had this feeling something big was coming.  Not good big.  Bad big.  It felt like things were going so well, and we weren't really being challenged enough.  I just knew something was coming.  In a way, this is a relief.  Loss of a job is preferable to death of a loved one.   But it's still hard.  The uncertainty is almost more than I can bear.  I'm such a planner.  You'd think that by now that would have been drummed out of me, but no.  I need a plan.  I thrive on a plan.  I guess the Lord wants me to rely on His plan a little bit more, and let go of my plans.

Anyone know of someone hiring a Crystal Growth Engineer?

Tuesday, January 01, 2013


Happy New Year!

With the start of new year, I've been doing some reflecting.  Thinking on the past year, and all the good times we had, and thinking on the new year, and the hopes that come with it. 

2012 was good to us.  We went to Chicago, Utah, Mackinaw Island, Niagara Falls, and Palmyra.  I gained a brother-in-law, and 2 nephews.  Ella learned to talk up a storm, and to use the potty.  Julia learned to read.  Clark started running barefoot.  And we walked 1000 miles as a family.  (That's right: we met our goal!)  It's been a great year.

I have high hopes for 2013.  We made a new family goal, involving reading.  2, actually.  The first: read the Book of Mormon as a family.  It very well might take us all year, but I think we're finally old enough that we can do it.  I'm very excited to get into the habit of family scripture study.  We've been sadly lazy on this front.  But no more.

And then there is our second goal.  Well, I don't know if you can call it a "goal," as there is no set number.  We are just going to keep track of all the books read (kids books) and pages read (adult books) (not adult books, just grown-up books) (who do you think I am?), and see how many we can get this year.  I think it'll be exciting to see the list next January 1.

Also on the list of resolutions?  Be more patient.  Spend less time yelling at my kids.  Do more yoga.  And be more grateful.  I'm hoping to write something of gratitude every day in my personal journal.  A lofty goal, to be sure, but one that will infuse a sense of thankfulness into my life. 

Here's to 2013!  (I still think that sounds like a made-up number, not a year.)